Troubleshooting Guide
If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble;
that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a
friend, for you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking
terms with it.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
You can expect difficulties and setbacks in the course of your social
development. Some problems have a relatively simple "fix", while others
require careful attention and a great deal of patience. Consider problems
as challenges and learning experiences, rather than as painful failures
and evidence of incompetence.
Women seem to find you physically repulsive. They are uncomfortable
in your presence and it seems as if they can't wait to get away from you.
- Do you shower regularly and use deodorant and/or mouthwash, as necessary?
Body odor and pungent breath are a naturally occurring phenomenon, a
product of the human condition, and they are not necessarily repellent
or offensive . . . to persons already involved in a close relationship. When
meeting strangers, though, it is expedient to smell 'neutral'.
- Are you at a hyper pitch of nervousness when near a woman?
Does your desperation for contact show?
Do sweat stains start spreading under your armpits and
back of your shirt just at the thought of approaching
a woman?
(Just as ill people have their own distinctive odor, so does shyness
afflict some men with the smell of desperate loneliness, and women sense
this all too well.)
- Do you force your presence on women in awkward
circumstances . . .
without the necessary preliminaries, or when they are otherwise occupied?
- Do you approach women who would likely reject you?
The women you find interesting want no part of you, while the ones
attracted to you hold no appeal.
- Question your basic assumptions.
- Have you bought into the "pop culture" ideal of what a woman should look like?
- Are you obsessed by visions of a blonde super-model?
- Is appearance more important to you than personality?
- Do you limit yourself to women your parents, your friends, your social
group would approve of?
- You have such low self-esteem that you secretly believe there must be
something wrong with any woman who will have you.
Problems starting and sustaining a conversation.
- You are afraid to even talk to a woman.
Practice, practice, practice. Courage.
- Women do not respond.
- Bad timing.
- Obnoxiously aggressive, too "pushy".
- Wait for cues and signals that your presence would be welcome.
- Reread Chapter 4.
- As soon as a woman begins to show an interest, you suddenly get a lump
in your throat, stutter, become tongue-tied.
No one has yet discovered a "magic bullet" against choking up. Bear in
mind that there is no pressure on you to "perform", and this will help
you take a deep breath, calm down, and regain your sense of perspective.
If you feel secure in your own identity and see yourself as worthy of
a relationship, then you realize that there is not all that much at
stake in any one particular encounter, and that if you mess one up,
you'll get other chances.
- After starting a conversation, you run out of things to say.
Love letters
- The woman becomes offended.
- Do your "homework" before writing to a woman you have yet to talk to.
- Take care not to write to women who are not 'eligible'.
- Be more discreet in your use of language.
- Consider whether a love letter is even appropriate in these particular
circumstances.
- No response.
- Choose the situation more carefully.
- More skillful use of words.
- Accompany the letter with a single red rose.
Telephone
- You rapidly run out of things to say to a woman on the phone.
- Do some advanced preparation before calling.
- Keep the conversations short.
- Reread chapter 5.
- You do great on the phone, but in person you strike out.
- Don't build up her expectations to unrealistic levels in phone
conversations.
- Be more honest and forthright about yourself, your appearance, and your
shortcomings before you meet face-to-face.
- Take more time to get to know each other before meeting in person.
- Don't shoot your entire wad on the phone. Hold something back,
so the woman will find new and interesting aspects of you to explore
when you meet.
Personal Ads
- You have made a career of answering personals. You buy postage
stamps in multiple sheets of 50, and have developed a bad case of
'writer's cramp.' So far, though, no answers to any of your letters.
- You respond to the wrong ads.
- You respond too late, after the ads have gone "stale."
- If the ad gives detailed specifications for the type of man the woman
seeks, don't even bother responding if you are not a fairly close 'fit'.
- Your responses are too bland, generic. There is nothing in them to make
you "stand out from the crowd."
- You have placed a number of your own ads, with only a few
disappointing responses.
- Your ads are not well enough written, possibly not specifically enough
'targeted'.
- Perhaps you have placed them in inappropriate publications.
- Change the wording of your ads.
- Break out of the mold and try something unusual, even mildly dramatic.
- Be patient. Keep trying.
- Reread chapter 7.
Dating
- As long as the two of you are doing something, everything is
fine, but when you are alone with each other you seem to have nothing
to say.
You are seeing too much of each other, too early in the relationship.
This does not bode well for the two of you. If you cannot communicate,
you may not have much in common.
- The woman you are going with consistently shows up late for dates.
You are a low priority with her. Reconsider how important she is in
your life.
- After meeting a woman, things usually go well for the first few dates,
but then she loses interest in you. This seems to be a repeating pattern
in your relationships.
- Become a more interesting person.
- Develop your talents and explore the depths of your potential.
- Review basic conversational skills.
- Do you attach yourself to the woman, 'smothering' her?
- Do your constant attentions allow her to take you for granted?
- Reread chapter 11.
A certain woman you know casually has shown an interest in you. You would like to get
to know her better, but neither of you has the nerve to make the first move.
- Make yourself unavailable for a week or so; give yourself some breathing space.
- Smile at her, say hello, engage in light conversation at every opportunity.
- Ask to meet her over coffee or in a public place, in a tension-free setting.
- You just "happen" to have an extra ticket for a music performance.
- Send her a short note (see chapter 6).
You know the woman has strong feelings for you because she becomes
nervous, red-faced and flustered in your presence. She seems to have even
more severe shyness and self-confidence problems than you do.
- Give her the support and understanding she needs, so she can develop
confidence in herself.
Lend her strength.
- Maintain a sympathetic, non-threating manner toward her. Let
her feel secure in trusting you.
- Listen to her. Give her a chance to "open up".
- Share your own doubts and fears with her. Let her know that you, too, are human.
- Show her that you care in a gentle way. Be protective of her.
- Be patient.
There's this appealing woman sitting among a group of friends at a table
in a café. She meets your gaze, smiles, then resumes talking
animatedly to her tablemates. She might be interested in you, but...
- Have the waiter pass her a discreet note.
- Have a bottle of fine wine delivered to her table, with your compliments.
- Casually toss your business card onto their table as you pass by on the
way out.
- Show up again the next day, same time, same place.
You are going out with a woman who shows you no affection at all, who
constantly criticizes everything you do, who has no interest in the
things that are important to you. She permits you to take her to dinner
and entertain her, and makes you feel that this is what you owe
her for the pleasure of her company. You are nevertheless overwhelmed
and grateful to be near her, and if you could only get her to return
your love, it would make your life complete.
- If it is your life's ambition to be abused and exploited, then you have
found your soulmate. Otherwise, run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.
"You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you."
Frank Zappa
You seem stuck in a rut. Your life has settled into a dull routine of
loneliness and even the prospect of a close relationship hardly excites
you any more.
- Try a change of pace.
Fill up your free time with activities.
Take classes. Join clubs. Do volunteer work.
Devote yourself to a hobby.
Start work on your novel.
- Avoid passive entertainment.
Television mires you even deeper in depression, paralyzes your initiative,
and distorts your perceptions.
- Step out of the role.
Be a bit more flexible, and slightly less predictable in your behavior.
Deliberately act out of character occasionally.
- If you are in a serious state of depression, consider professional
counseling.
You are tired of making a fool of yourself over women, sick of being
humiliated and rejected. You don't know where you'll find the courage
to keep on looking for love.
- Get a good night's sleep.
Wake up fortified with a teeny bit of optimism, and smile at the people
you meet on the way to work.
- Forget about girlfriend hunting for a few weeks, perhaps a month or
two, and concentrate on improving your relationships with your family
and friends.
Absolutely nothing seems to work.
- Perhaps it's just not the right time in your life to be seeking a relationship.
You might not yet be ready for one.
- Treat yourself to a six month's breather, a vacation from looking
for a girlfriend.
Enlarge your circle of acquaintances.
Develop new interests. Go back to school. Start your own business. Change your life.
Grow, learn, and be patient.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question:
"How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"