Deepening the Relationship
Every revealed nuance, every secret desire, every confession of weakness, every exploration of hope and admission of paralyzing fear strengthens the bond between the two of you, helps you connect with her as one human being to another, flawed but worthy of acceptance as a trusted and intimate companion. |
Since you are somewhat inexperienced in the realm of man-woman relationships, you will blunder at first, learning by trial and error, making painful mistakes. You force the pace, letting anxiety and impatience race ahead of what she is ready for, and bruise the fragile trust between you. You let personal insecurity drive you to acts of jealousy. You try to change, or "remodel" her. Your clever strategems to pull her closer, to take possession of her -- drive her away. Sometimes, it seems as if all your efforts are self-defeating... |
Finally, recognize that even a close relationship may go sour. Danger
signs in a failing relationship include lack of respect between
partners, constant bickering, and, most telling of all, power and
domination dramas. If the two of you can no longer make each other
laugh, give each other comfort by a touch, and share intimate moments,
then there is little hope left. If your partner disparages and makes
fun of you, there is not much remaining to hold on to. You can no longer
evade hard choices, and the time has come to consider a graceful exit.
Assuming she gave you her telephone number, a follow-up call in the next day
or two would be in order. As an alternative, consider sending her a note,
accompanied by flowers.
I have no trouble meeting women and making friends with them, but as the
relationship progresses, they inevitably lose interest in me. What am I doing
wrong?
You come on strong at the initial meeting, making a striking first impression. You have built up her expectations at this point. Then, as she gets to know you better, she finds out that there is not all that much beneath the impressive looking exterior. You promise much more than you deliver.
When first meeting a women, hold back in reserve something of
yourself. If "that's all there is", of course you will disappoint her
later. Even more important, develop yourself as a multifaceted human
being. Cultivate some interests and become a deeper person. Keep growing
and renewing yourself.
How will I know that she is the one for me?
"Love at first sight" is a verifiable phenomenon, but don't
count on it happening to you. More commonly, it will gradually dawn on
the both of you, during the course of the relationship, that you have
a special bond, and perhaps, just perhaps are meant for each other.
What does she think of when she's with me?
Most likely she has the usual culturally imposed anxieties. "Does
he like me? Have I done something wrong? Do I look good?"
Getting past that, to the point where you can create ties of friendship
and trust, where you can relax in each other's company - this is what
will make or break your relationship.
I've dated this woman only a couple of times, but there seem to be a lot of
"accidental" touches between us. She brushes against me quite often,
hold onto my arm, even touches my cheek affectionately. Does this mean she's
attracted to me?
This is a good sign. At the very least, it indicates she trusts you
enough to risk breaking the first physical barrier between the two
of you. Touch is meaningful. Very likely she wants to get closer to
you. Gently encourage her.
How can I be sure she loves me?
You can't.
How can I test her love?
Relationships are based on trust. "Testing" her love violates that trust and
demeans both of you.
I'm just about at the point of telling her that I love her. I can't
hold my feelings back any more, but maybe I'm getting just a bit
"ahead" of her. I seem to have stronger feelings for her than
she does for me. What should I do?
Be aware that saying those magic words -- "I love you" -- will
not automatically trigger the love reflex in her. It may even
have the opposite effect of getting her to back off. Go a bit slower,
and give her time to catch up with you.
The question is, at what point a relationship is still worth fighting for.
Can it be salvaged? Is it even worth saving?
If either of the following holds true, then you have something worth
reclaiming.
Making love to a woman, and doing so well and truly, requires only
patience, sensitivity to her needs,
and imagination. It is less a matter of talent than of devotion
to the woman's comfort and pleasure. Becoming an accomplished lover is
a process of learning and transformation, the work of a lifetime.
I thought I had a good relationship with my girlfriend, but she seems to
be losing interest in me. We had something beautiful, but it's slipping
away. What can I do?
Just the fact that you have a huge emotional investment in the
relationship is not in itself sufficient... if she does not share your
level of commitment. If she does not have strong feelings for you by now,
then the odds that she will ever commit to you, much less come to love
you, are abysmally low. It's time to think seriously about cutting loose.
I'm very inexperienced in the ways of life and love. What will I do when it
actually comes time to be intimate with a woman?
To lovers I [bequeath] their imaginary world, with whatever they may
need, as the stars of the sky, the red, red roses by the wall, the snow of the
hawthorn, the sweet strains of music, or aught else they may desire to figure
to each other the lastingness and beauty of their love.
Last will and testament of Charles Lounsbury (1897)